


The shiftiest bastard of them all

by Warks1999



Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29240532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warks1999/pseuds/Warks1999
Summary: Not one of them ever saw the evil coming. That is what made it so easy...
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	The shiftiest bastard of them all

**The shiftiest bastard of them all**

Nobody ever suspected him.

They never really had any cause to.

And why would they? He was hardly known for violence, apart from when he was with Mary.

He didn't have a criminal record… the worst damaged he'd ever inflicted on anyone was a nasty splinter.

No one saw the darkness of the wooden spoon coming…

The desire to do it stemmed from all those years being used as a threat to others. He revelled in the thought of them fearing him yet was disappointed that he rarely ever got to see proper action. Mary was too weak. He was strong, a wooden bastion of power that demanded to be unleashed on the world.

The plan kicked in on the night of the prom. He was no fool; he knew John-Paul was never going to turn up. He was also very much aware of the feelings Erin held for the wee English fella and likewise the feelings he held for her in return. From his vantage point in the kitchen, he always caught the little glances the two shared between conversations with the rest of their group. He probably knew the depths of their love for each other better than they did. And true love… was the perfect weakness for him to exploit.

Over the years of servitude in the Quinn house, where he'd hidden his sentient nature, the wooden spoon quietly practiced mimicking the voices of those in the house, should the need arise to impersonate one of them.

So, on that prom night, it wasn't Mary who called for James to act as Erin's knight.

It was the wooden spoon.

His impression of her must have been impeccable, as sure enough, James turned up as the spoon requested him to.

It had begun.

Just as soon as it had, the plans were threatened by the arrival of a foe that even the masterful planning of the spoon didn't account for.

Kathy Maguire and her amazing eyebrows.

The almost certain celebration after the Clinton visit was going to be the perfect time to strike, but Kathy taking James back to London would destroy those plans. The girls would no doubt stay out and get hammered to commiserate themselves, putting a spanner in the works, with him wanting them sober when he struck. Then the unexpected happened… James actually grew a pair, realised what Kathy truly wanted him for, and then fled back to the caring affections of those he loved. Straight back into the wooden spoon's path…

That night was the night. The years of anger from being teased, deployed so rarely and often left to menial use in the dusty kitchen of the Quinn house, was to be unleashed. The first step involved getting the two lovesick eejits out of the house. Quietly vanquishing the supply of paper plates over the back fence that afternoon, having watched James run past the house on his way back into the city, he was able to move around totally unchallenged as the whole family were out at the square. When the time came, and Mary fretted about the paper plates, confused as to where they'd gotten to, she predictably sent Erin out to get more. And of course, James went along with her, as if he had something to say to her…

With the two of them out of the way, the slaughter began. Joe was the first to fall, the spoon eliminating the person most likely to resist him first. Seeing her father fall, Mary was the next to go, surprised by the sudden aerial attack of the spoon, finding him in her jugular seconds later. Gerry was so stunned by what was happening that he never even defended himself, the contents of his stomach being spilled across the living room. Poor Sarah didn't stand a chance, walking into the scenes of murder and being beheaded by the flying spoon. Her headless trunk collapsed with a cigarette still in hand, redecorating the walls of the living room to a filthy crimson. It took even less to stop Anna crying…

The rest of the gang were upstairs, singing and dancing to Take That. They were so loud, that they never heard the deathly commotion from the living room. Creeping his way up the stairs, the wooden spoon's luck was in, as little Clare Devlin took herself out of Erin's room, to head along to the toilet. She couldn't quite muster a scream when the spoon planted himself into her back, ripping through her, killing her in almost an instant. The noise of her crumpling did break through the music however, but once again it was to his advantage as he lured Michelle and Orla out to have their throats slashed open as he pounced from above. They were all dead.

Except Erin and James.

He was long gone by the time they returned to the devastation that awaited them. Right into the trap the wooden spoon set for them.

They arrived back at the house later than they should, the two delayed after engaging in a fierce swapping of a saliva when they finally admitted to one and other that being just friends wasn't doing it anymore. Her bloodcurdling screams filled the air when she came across the head of her Aunt in the hallway, the young couple frozen in place… by fear.

Of course the cops turned up right on queue just under a minute later, immediately taking the two into custody following the emergency call.

Mary Quinn's distressed call from home, shrieking for the cops and paramedics as they were being attacked by her daughter and her boyfriend, became perfect evidence for the court to put the two away for life.

The impersonation really was impeccable.

He wouldn't be homeless for too long though. There were a couple of nights spent out on the road, waiting for a car to stop so that he could sneak in to begin his next murderous adventure. One did the second night, the car of one of the top surgeons at the Altnagelvin, surname of Joyce.

That was where he found himself. In the man's kitchen, planning, learning the nuances and intricacies of his new family. Waiting. Waiting for the perfect time to strike again…

Because nobody would ever think that the murderer and murder weapon were one in the same.

That was the beauty of it.

No one would ever blame the wooden spoon.

The shiftiest bastard of them all.

Just think about that the next time you are in your kitchen. Check on your wooden spoon… because it might be him.

If it is…

**RUN**

**Author's Note:**

> Fear the wooden spoon... you never know when he might strike!


End file.
